After the war, or the rape, or the abuse…
Flashbacks, terror, dissociation, the crushing sense that the horror is happening again, now, over and over
Piecing together the mosaic of missing and fragmented memories
Hatred and fear of my abuser
Grief over what was lost, that can never be regained
Unmanageable spikes of anxiety followed by the flat, hopeless numbness of depression
Fear of crowds
The inability to concentrate
Dissociative fugues with lost time
Hypersensitivity to disappointment
Hyper or hypoarousal
The inescapable feeling that everyone hates me and is out to hurt me
Difficulty doing basic tasks
Overwhelming, unbelievable, unbearable self-loathing
Addiction to anything that makes the pain go away
Sabotaging important relationships with those who love me most
A distorted view of my life where successes are diminished and failures amplified
Gut-wrenching sensations from the past, heart, palpitations, shortness of breath
Shut down
Thoughts of death…
Then, unconditional love from those who don’t give up on me
A listening ear helping me piece together and make sense of the past
Deep, peaceful sleep
An unexpected kindness
Permission to feel what I’m feeling
A surprising show of grace
A friend who has been through it
The healing touch and laughter of a child
Unmerited compassion
A place where I feel safe again
Feeling myself again
An open door
A future with hope